By Tenzin
Kalsang
![]() |
Tenzin Kalsang |
When I saw pictures of my classmate’s home in Ngari I wondered if I would also have been living in a stacked-stone hut upon a barren, rocky field if I were in Tibet. When we did projects in school about Tibet and we came across ethereally beautiful pictures of heavenly blue lakes and jade green pastures, I used to wonder if those would be the scenes I would remember from nekor during childhood instead of the murky waters of Tso Pema if I was also from Tibet. Would I get to eat thuey everyday if I were in Tibet instead of blueberry yogurt?
I hear great
writers and activists talk with such conviction about going home. I read
Bhuchung D Sonam write, “Exile is anticipation, longing for a day when the road
leading home is navigable and familiar things will reveal themselves...”
I smirk at my own hypocrisy in my head. My whole life I have been recanting these worn-out words: “Of course i want to go back to Tibet, it’s where I belong.” I have been saying it for so long, I can almost believe myself but in my heart, i don’t know where i belong. I wasn’t born in Tibet but i am without doubt a Tibetan. “I was born in India but I’m not Indian,” is how I explain to non-Tibetans my mongoloid features. But there are so many aspects of myself that are undeniably Indian, most times I react to “Indian” problems the way that an Indian would. Yet, I am a Tibetan who has never seen this homeland of mine that i have been fighting and yearning for since the day I learned to understand that I was living a borrowed life on borrowed land.
I smirk at my own hypocrisy in my head. My whole life I have been recanting these worn-out words: “Of course i want to go back to Tibet, it’s where I belong.” I have been saying it for so long, I can almost believe myself but in my heart, i don’t know where i belong. I wasn’t born in Tibet but i am without doubt a Tibetan. “I was born in India but I’m not Indian,” is how I explain to non-Tibetans my mongoloid features. But there are so many aspects of myself that are undeniably Indian, most times I react to “Indian” problems the way that an Indian would. Yet, I am a Tibetan who has never seen this homeland of mine that i have been fighting and yearning for since the day I learned to understand that I was living a borrowed life on borrowed land.
It does get
kind of tricky when people ask me, “Oh, so you are from Tibet?” That’s when i
have to go into all the details about how I and both my parents were born in
India but in spite of never having known any other home, no, I’m not Indian,
I’m Tibetan. How exactly do I make them
understand something that even i cannot fully comprehend?
I get jealous sometimes over little things of the people who have come from Tibet. When they tell me of how capsicums are so much tastier in Tibet, I wonder if I wouldn’t have capsicums so much if I lived in Tibet. When I saw pictures of my classmate’s home in Ngari I wondered if I would also have been living in a stacked-stone hut upon a barren, rocky field if i were in Tibet. When we did projects in school about Tibet and we came across ethereally beautiful pictures of heavenly blue lakes and jade green pastures, i used to wonder if those would be the scenes I would remember from nekor during childhood instead of the murky waters of Tso Pema if I was also from Tibet. Would I get to eat thuey everyday if I were in Tibet instead of blueberry yogurt?
And how
exactly could I have been dreaming of going “back” to this land that i have
never seen?
On the back
of Bhuchung D Sonam’s book Yak Horns, it is written, “His permanent address was
stolen.” I now realize that that I don’t have one, I never did. That supposedly
permanent address on my RC could be taken away any time it pleases the Indian
government because it was never my family’s to start with. The permanent
address that we did have in Tibet, my grandparents had to give that up to the
Chinese when they fled to India and three generations later, we have almost no
relatives left in Tibet. I have never known a home other than India, yet now I
know that I never even had a home to start with.
However, this
absolute faith with which I can say, “I want to go back,” while knowing I have
nowhere to go to even in Tibet... is that what being a Tibetan all stems from?
NOTE—Tenzin
Kalsang is a student of English literature at Jesus and Mary College-University
of Delhi, and Media and Information Coordinator at Students for a free Tibet,
India
Stay tuned to TIBET TELEGRAPH for more news and views on Tibet and
Tibetan life, and on areas of interest to the Tibetan readers
the identity crisis going to haunt Tibetans in exile, particularly in India and Nepal for the coming decades more than anything. It is time we discuss this inescapable issue
ReplyDeletewonder why India and Nepal particularly?
ReplyDeleteThe exact same feelings for Tibetans living in foreign countries too no matter whenther you have citizenship or not. I have a foreign citizenship and I get this feeling day in and out.Thanks for the post!
ReplyDeletenice essay
ReplyDeleteWe have a handreds and thousand Tibetans in exile,why only few can feel the real Tibetan as they was! Don't worry Kalsang lak.....we will welcome you to any part of Tibet to have a permanent address from generation to generations........ Free Tibet...
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletekelsang la... thanks for feeling jealous with tibetans from Tibet lo. that is actually shows the sense of your tibetaness and that should be the certificates of tibetan generations to come till one day we all together go back in the land of snow. hey there is a sense of counter-jealousy too when you guys speak fluent hindi like other indians do and people like me always parasite on you for sub-titles ....
ReplyDeletedont worry.. we have 2.5 million square kilometer of land. each individual can hold huge land area lo...
dont worry about where we belong, rather worry about the Tibetan spirit and people's commitment for the cause.
hey hey u hab a heart for tibetaness...........hehe i was just kidding,thats reali nice one u put up there...
ReplyDeleteKelsang Lak,
ReplyDeleteI was so amazed by seeing your page which reminds me of every day when i meet with lucky Tibetans who were born in Tibet. And also i felt as though it was my essay, but without hesitating with my broken English. Yes, we(here by birth) even feel guilty like that to not have been born in Tibet, but we never forget that we are the luckiest to be getting the out numbered blessings from H.Holiness. Tibetans in Tibet burn themselves to hope one day they can get even a glance from far..
I am sure feelings such as these will bring changes in our young Tibetan generations and bring forth stronger feelings about Tibet. We are looking forward to see such posts and I thank you for that.
kelsang la.
ReplyDeletehats off to u, ur written was really awesome and m sure every Tibetans who r born in India and studying in different Indian institutions feels same as even i went through same problem but that was also positive side to explain and make them have knowledge of Tibetan and Chinese invasion on other hand what Tenam has mention in his post is also very valid point to considered.
PROUD OF BEING TIBETAN
It was sweet and deep felt written!!! Kelsangla thanks for sharing your feelings of True Tibetan. I was born in Tibet but i came to exile when i was only six. I doesn't remember things in Tibet. I haven't met my parents for years. And you are lucky that you are with your parents! Hope to see all us Tibetans in Tibet very soon!!!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWe never will effort for the value of own country ever if lived in luxury life. you country is like a mother, coze u r born in it and belong to it. wonderful feeling!
ReplyDeleteits a touching essaay,expressive and worth reading. keep going and you willl get even better lol.
ReplyDeleteHey Kalsang la,
ReplyDeleteI have noticed you for past 2 years and you seemed to a regular Tibetan Youth. A Youth who is mesmerized by the western culture and latest fashion with no hope or lets call it "least bothered" about Tibet.
However with your poetic thoughts on returning back to Tibet have totally changed my view on you.
I was born in India and also raised like an Indian but my roots being Tibetan, it always attracted me even when I was surrounded by Indians back in my school days. I have an Indian passport but i still call my self Tibetan as my heart beats as a Tibetan. I have strong believe that the Tibetan Youth of 21st century can make change in ways of struggle. I feel every Tibetan Youth has responsibility to carry on the half century old struggle for Tibet through non-violence which has been bestowed to us by H.H.Dalai Lama.
I'd love to jot in more but at this point of time im little out of words, so i'd like to conclude by saying, " good work girl". Bhoe Gyalo
Thank you everyone for commenting on the post. I never even imagined when i sent this essay to chocho tendar that people would respond like this, because all these feelings came down to words while i was reading Yak Horns before going to sleep.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, some Indians asked the question about the Tibetan youth being too captivated by the western culture during the book launch of Yak Horns in Delhi. Tenzin Tsundue la and Bhuchung la responded by saying that though we might wear Nike and Puma, the heart that beats inside us beats for our nation. Or something more poetic along those lines but i can not remember now.